Now on my fourth day sober and feeling a little overwhelmed by the journey ahead of me. For the past few days, I have felt this false sense of bravado – like I have this thing licked… Like I’m just really gonna kick this thing right in the dick. As a strong, independent woman, I feel my fire and power and I’m ready to take sobriety head on… Sometimes.
Other times, like today, I feel REALLY small in the face of this. WHY I am doing this? Was it really THAT BAD? Do I really have a “problem” with alcohol? CAN I do this? I don’t have an every day problem with alcohol. I don’t have any police records, or DUI’s, or broken relationships over alcohol (except the last is not entirely truthful). These are all things I say as justification that I can, indeed, drink moderately and this whole sobriety thing is just an over-reaction to a bad night… But in my heart, I know that is not true.
Over the years I have stressed about my alcohol consumption many, many times. I know that it has been often out of hand. I know that it negatively affects my health, my performance, my relationships, my sleep, and my self esteem. I have struggled with quitting too many times to count, and all of the justifications mentioned above have led to me diving head first back into a wine bottle.
I thought surely I wouldn’t be in a position to go back and read Day Zero – Again so soon (my projection was 2 weeks) but here I am, re-reading my blog from the start. I have to say that Day 1: Not Hungover… is better for me to see inside myself on that day and remember how I felt. It helped me to remember that I am better without alcohol in so many ways. I will start listening to This Naked Mind again today. This book is a really good tool to highlight the ways in which alcohol affects us negatively. It is a great reminder that some of us are just better without alcohol. In all honestly, probably all of us are better without alcohol, but as promised, no proselytizing – we are all on our own journeys.
I hope that someone can identify with what I am going through and that maybe this helps someone, or you have some encouragement for me. I know detailing my journey in this way is helping me. It keeps me accountable and gives me a tether to travel back to the beginning. I need to be reminded where it started so I know to not go back. I need to remember how I felt on Day Zero – Again, and Day 1 – Not Hungover… I need to really feel this over and over until I understand that another “Day Zero” is an inevitable consequence of drinking until I stop once and for all.
So I don’t know how you know when you get there. I do know that I’m not there yet. I want so badly to feel free and right now I do not. Sometimes I really try and can convince myself I am. But not today. I know it has only been 4 days. I realize that I am asking a lot from this situation, very early on.
I also understand that I may be rushing the process. That going through the process may be the only way to be free. That I must feel all the feelings on the journey from here to there in order to be successful. But I have no interest in struggling with this for the rest of my life. That particular brand of sobriety makes me tired and angry thinking just about it.
If you are out there and are sober, when did it get better for you? When did you feel “on the other side of this?” I appreciate your feedback.